A Gust of Wind

Coming home to a polished tile floor, folded laundry and food in the fridge felt like arriving at another AirBNB ready to leave in a few days to come. But I am not leaving in a few days, I am home now. I've almost forgotten where everything is in the cupboards. The clothes I left behind have no meaning to me anymore. Since I've been home I've hardly used anything other than what was packed in my backpack.

This morning my sister and I purged our closet, piling up all the clothes we felt we didn't need anymore, or choosing between two articles of clothing that were similar. It's a breath of fresh air to cut off the corners of my past. I have new meanings to myself and now I can apply them to my life at home. It's odd and wonderful to be back. I can't wait to do everything again and experience all the things I did before in a new way, from new perspectives, and as a new person.

Nothing could have ever happened any other way than how did. There is not one moment I would change from the journey I have com back from and the journey I am continuing.

My galaxy is filled with as many stars as my imagination allows. This past trip was only the discovery of another star in my universe. By catching a glimpse of each and every star, each and every moment I am reminded that I can create my universe, from this moment on.

The experience of my travels, my work, my vacations and my journey never ends, it only changes. Coming home from my trip to Europe with my family doesn't mean the trip ended it only relocated.

When writing in my journal I would write the number of days I had been on the trip for, but the days weren't numbered. By coming home I wasn't ending a trip, I am starting the next one. Moving on from one place to another is sad, powerful, impactful, and painful to see all the endings and beginnings, hello's and goodbye's. After saying goodbye to so many people my heart pounds for more, and aches to stay.

So many different sisters, brothers, nieces and nephews; friends, family, taxi drivers, and escorts; have looked in my eyes, touched my heart, made me see things I was blind to and reassured me of things I have doubted.

All things good and bad, depressing and uplifting, have come together to complete a time capsule that will last forever. Everyone who I spoke to and everyone I saw has left their mark on my mind and on my life in some minuscule way that has reshaped me into who I am today.

Looking back the trip fits into the smallest space in my. It feels like a single gust of wind on a windy winter's day, blowing me on my way. Bringing me to the next gust that will blow my mind away. 

Family Forests

There are always moments that are better than others. Sometimes I can sit down at my computer and think of so many words that explain my thoughts perfectly. I can sit for hours at a time with my hands a blur on the keyboard. Then there are days when I know I have something to write about, but when I sit down at my computer it feels like someone stole my mind. To capture the rare thoughts that appear at odd times I will jot whatever I can to make sense of them in my journal or iPod. But then when the time comes where I want to write another blog post all I have are short sentences that wraps up a bigger story. I'm left with brief summaries or previews of my complete experiences with my thoughts. 

Although the little excerpts don't paint such a direct picture, it is broad enough that everyone can make their own conclusions and their own answers for all the things I write. It makes it possible to not only apply the memories to one point in time, but apply them to every moment in new ways and bring about new perspectives. 

It seems, for me, that it's always too easy to get caught up in long stories and captured by pretty pictures that I miss taking anything from them. I don't get a chance to see what some elaborate, complex thing does to me because i am so preoccupied with looking or listening. 

Being in Freiburg with my sister Katelyn has cut down all the trees that had been growing in my head and blocking the sunlight from all the new growth. There was so much I couldn't see from all the big stories I've been making up. When I emerse myself in everything that is happening right now I am content. Instead of thinking about rhythms between now, and then, I think of them from now, to now......to now.......to now and I always bring myself back from my distracting thoughts to look at everything being offered in the moment. 

Growing up with siblings is like raising kids, but we just don't notice it. My siblings have shaped who I am and influence me just as much, if not more than my parents. They are huge mirrors for every flaw and every treasure of myself. I can look into their eyes and feel as safe as a baby in my mother's arms. There is a certain friendship I can have with other people that I consider my siblings, but there is something special about not having to create a sibling like relationship, and instead growing up with no choice. Now I choose to have an open, loving, expressive, supportive, fearless relationships with my siblings. They confirm who I am and let me see who I am becoming. Their mistakes are my knowledge and my mistakes are theirs.

Foretelling Fortress

I'm not going to live under someone else's umbrella. I'm not going to float down my river in someone else's boat. I will go into the woods and find the trees I'll use to build from scratch, my own fortress, upon which I'll drift down my river and across my own lakes. I'll gather like berries from a thriving bush, the knowledge which I'll use to rest my head. From day to day I'll carry each memory from the darkness and the brightness from each crevice of my life. I won't use my body I'll worship it. My mind is just as a game, but there are no rules. I will heal the ones along my path that cannot venture further. I will steal from those what I can use, not with my hands, but with my soul. To those who are honest enough to touch my heart, I will in return be more than just kind. 

Making the Best

From traveling with my family I've seen how absolutely frustrated I can become. I get so frustrated to where I can't see a bright side to anything. It can take me days to bring something good out of a bad day. Sometimes I'll realize how my frustrations are reflections of myself, or I will be able to see what I can do or not do to lower the chances of me getting frustrated in the same way again.
There have been times where I feel so exhausted and depleted of any motivation. I didn't know how many buttons I had for other people to push until my dad infiltrated my entire mechanical system. His voice can be like a dog whistle inside my head.

I haven't had any free time to think about what I would want to be doing or even what I would want to be hearing. Now that I am with my sister Katelyn and her family I can look into their eyes and see how filled with happiness someone can be. Whether it's a forced laugh because they can't get their excitement out any other way, or if they're getting tickled by one of their favorite people in the whole world, and have so much joy billowing out of them.

However, between every extremity of emotion; from the deepest depths of frustration to the highest point of joy, I've noticed myself at times reading a point where it is all apparent to me; where I am able to witness everything that is happening around me, manifesting around me, and growing around me. Managing to find my place in my surroundings and see where I fit in, is one thing I have worked on in the recent past.

Every moment of frustration and irritation I can now see as gratitude. I cherish everyone in my life more and more knowing that many people MUST feel the same way towards me. Being in places where nobody has materialistic things has made me so much more grateful for everything I have. It's made me think about the things I desire to have, the things I need and how to know the difference.

After moving from place to place, town to town, and country to country, I cherish what I have, I don't yearn for the things I don't have, and I make the best out of this moment because it's all I have.